Tag Archives: daughters

Only Four Years Left!!!

My sweet, strong, empathetic, intelligent, funny, independent daughter turned 14 today. Not really a highly celebrated milestone, but for me it is scary. Scarier than when she entered double digits or technically entered her teen years at 13.

It is her last birthday before she enters High School. It means she is one year closer to her first paid job, her learner’s permit, her first boyfriend, first kiss, driver’s license. One year closer to all the things I know I need to let go for and support her in doing to accomplish gaining her independence.

It means in exactly four years she will be an adult. Sure, she’ll still be in her senior year of high school for awhile after reaching that milestone, thanks to having a Fall birthday, which means I’ll hopefully have a little bit of influence over her from her 18th birthday in November until her High School graduation in May. But nonetheless, in four years she will be an adult! She will be able to move out of the house if she so chooses, vote, join the military, enter into and be held responsible for entering into contracts of all kind including MARRIAGE. Any decision or mistakes will be much more serious, could ruin her credit, or land her in jail!

She is in no rush to finish growing up and become an adult, with all the responsibility that entails, and I am not in a rush to have my little girl become a woman either. But, with only four years left, I feel a little rushed now! Are there things I should have taught her by now? Are there ways in which I’ve sheltered her too much? Are there things I’ve screwed up that it’s too late to fix? What can I learn from this and do better with my second one who is only three years behind her? Will I have equipped her with all the tools she’ll need to find her way in the world? What kind of a relationship will we have once she’s an adult? What kind of a relationship will she have with her little sister? Have I helped them build a strong foundation for a lifelong friendship and bond? What if she moves away like she hopes to, how will I cope with the distance, with taking a backseat while she navigates her own life?

So many questions, worries. So many things to check off the list of “everything my kids should know how to do for themselves before they turn 18.” Only Four Years Left, and I know from the first fourteen they will go by much too quickly!

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Trepidation on Being a Mother

Trepidation on Being a Mother

I grasp two precious hands in mine
two sets of sapphire eyes stare up at me,
placing me upon a pedestal.
One lil angel giggles mischievously
and rolls her eyes – oh so dramatic!!!
The other face, scattered with freckles,
looks up – so tender, curious, even sapient.
I feel immensely blessed,
yet my heart sinks within my chest –
God entrusted 2 individuals’ souls to my care.
If I falter or waver in my duty,
how will they fair?
If the world crumbles around them
will I have enabled them with the skills to push through?
When tragedy or heartbreak strikes,
will they have fortitude, knowing just what to do?

The News reels roll –
stories of war, carnage, man’s inhumanity
unfold before our gaping eyes.
Questions are asked about senseless acts,
and so biographies of evil men are told.
And I wonder –
how much do I shelter them? How long?
How do I prepare two innocents
for an unpredictable world they’re bound to enter?

My Babies

My babies, my sweet little girls, my everythings

no longer tiny or completely dependent,

you do not fit in the cradle of my arm

and it’s been an eternity since I could carry you around.

But I can still wrap my arms around you

and as I’m comforting you, it comforts me,

every time you call me mom or mommy my heart leaps.

Continue reading My Babies

The One Thing I Can’t Give Them

This past week I have been thinking about family even more than usual and what it really means.  For those of you that don’t know me, you could say I come from a rather dysfunctional family, and that’s putting it lightly. My mom and I have had a rollercoaster of a relationship, I have thought at times that I would never speak to her ever again and would be ok with that, but then we always patch things up – because she’s my mom. My dad would have turned 68 on Thursday, August 15, but he did not as he died June 22 of this year. I only really built a relationship with him in my late teens, and it had never been one that flowed super easily, but I did love him and do miss him. My kids haven’t seen their dad since January 13th and haven’t seen their grandparents or any of their other family on their dad’s side since Christmas of last year.  Nobody has made any attempt at seeing them or talking to them, the only effort has come from them, two little girls wanting what every child wants.

 I wanted so desperately to give my children a “better” family than the one I grew up in. I wanted them to grow up having cousins who they had an unbreakable bond with, I wanted them to have a dad who they would grow up calling dad and whom they knew they could always depend on. I envisioned large family gatherings, reunions, their having a dad who would proudly be at every milestone in their lives; every time they spoke, sang, or played an instrument on stage, every time they scored in a game or advanced in their chosen passion, every time they graduated, when they first moved away, when they got married and had babies of their own.  I hoped for them that they would never know the pain of feeling neglected or abandoned, that I could keep them from being hurt by people they cared about at least until they were old enough to go through their first inevitable break-up.  Continue reading The One Thing I Can’t Give Them