All posts by poeticsinglemama (Jennifer)

Kids Care…Do You?

MDST 485 Class Blog

My 16-year old daughter texted me this morning letting me know she was likely participating in a walk-out from school. This didn’t surprise me, she’s walked out to join protests before mostly in support of Black Lives Matter and/or in protest of police brutality. She has taken part in a push for her former middle school to change its name (which it did!) and protested against a dress code that she viewed as sexist which led to discussions on a more equitable dress code. This time when I asked her what for she simply said “the environment.” I then heard rumblings at work that students from one of our other high schools were all leaving after their 2nd period and heading to the capitol to participate in the International Youth Climate Strike event. So, I googled exactly what that was.

How did I not hear about this prior to this…

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Marriage and being liberal

Ok, this is a much less relevant topic to me now than it was just a few years ago. However, anyone who knows me knows that for much of my life my hopes and dreams centered around falling in love, getting married, building a partnership, and building a family. Continue reading Marriage and being liberal

Letting Go in 2019

This is the last year of my 30s – it is time to both let go and to grow

Time to let go of all the fantasies, the what-ifs, the if-onlys, the lingering loyalties, the resentments, the lost loves, lost friendships.

Time to let go of heartache, pain, hatred, self-doubt, self-hate, and self-sabotage.

Time to grow into the woman I am and let go of the woman I thought I’d be, time to grow internally and let go of the things I thought I needed externally to make me happy, time to grow professionally – whatever that may mean, time to let go of the way I thought life should be and grow into accepting the way life is, learning to adapt to reality, to control the things I can and let go of the things I cannot.

Time to show myself more self-care, time to stop wasting energy on those who don’t put any energy into me, time to regain myself, my womanhood, to fall in love with myself and let go, as impossible as it may seem at times, of those who do not reciprocate my love.

Widowed

I used to think it was crazy that my grandmother never remarried,

She spent the good part of 20 years alone, faithful to my grandfather even in death

Never fell in love again, never, that I know of, gave herself to another

Yet here I am, 39 years old, not a widow in the true sense, but without my one true love just the same

And I cannot envision giving myself to another, saying “I love you” to anyone but you

I’ve lost you, not to death, but to life, to your need to “do the right thing” to circumstances beyond my control

I’m alone, aching for you, wishing for your touch, dying inside at the thought of you with another

Yet, I’m still loyal, still feel guilt over kissing another, still have my guard up, still won’t let anyone else in.

Will I be like her, will I be single and without love until my dying day?

Widowed in my 30’s, crying tears over the death of us and all the could-have-been moments left unshared.

You are not dead, but the us I’ve always hoped for seems to be something that will never be fully resurrected, how do I grieve that?