Widowed

I used to think it was crazy that my grandmother never remarried,

She spent the good part of 20 years alone, faithful to my grandfather even in death

Never fell in love again, never, that I know of, gave herself to another

Yet here I am, 39 years old, not a widow in the true sense, but without my one true love just the same

And I cannot envision giving myself to another, saying “I love you” to anyone but you

I’ve lost you, not to death, but to life, to your need to “do the right thing” to circumstances beyond my control

I’m alone, aching for you, wishing for your touch, dying inside at the thought of you with another

Yet, I’m still loyal, still feel guilt over kissing another, still have my guard up, still won’t let anyone else in.

Will I be like her, will I be single and without love until my dying day?

Widowed in my 30’s, crying tears over the death of us and all the could-have-been moments left unshared.

You are not dead, but the us I’ve always hoped for seems to be something that will never be fully resurrected, how do I grieve that?

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