Writing My Happy Ending

I want to write a novel, an essay,

a work of literary brilliance…

yet I cannot untangle the weeds in my head,

the thoughts of you that ensnare every other thought,

the what’ifs that choke the life out of every other dream.

I try to daydream, to create a fantasy land

with a strong, heroic female character…

yet she is always a bit pitiful,

tinged with my own sadness and regret,

my male characters all morph into some semblance of you,

regardless of what names or traits I bestow upon them –

they are you at their core; your voice echoing through them.

Even on paper, it seems, I cannot create the world I wish for,

every time I place pen to paper – out pours my yearning,

my heartache, my self-doubt, my love unreciprocated,

out pours a million reasons why I love you

and the million times you’ve shattered my heart.

I want to write my happily-ever-after –

how do I do that without you as the leading man?

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