I want to write a novel, an essay,
a work of literary brilliance…
yet I cannot untangle the weeds in my head,
the thoughts of you that ensnare every other thought,
the what’ifs that choke the life out of every other dream.
I try to daydream, to create a fantasy land
with a strong, heroic female character…
yet she is always a bit pitiful,
tinged with my own sadness and regret,
my male characters all morph into some semblance of you,
regardless of what names or traits I bestow upon them –
they are you at their core; your voice echoing through them.
Even on paper, it seems, I cannot create the world I wish for,
every time I place pen to paper – out pours my yearning,
my heartache, my self-doubt, my love unreciprocated,
out pours a million reasons why I love you
and the million times you’ve shattered my heart.
I want to write my happily-ever-after –
how do I do that without you as the leading man?