I just had a realization, an epiphany. I don’t want to date right now, I LIKE being single. This may come as a shock to those who have heard me complain about my perpetual singlehood – but I am pretty sure I was sad over not still having the very specific person I was in love with in my day-to-day life any more, and not having the future that I had dreamt of with them. I think I was delusional to think if I just put myself out there enough and went on enough dates I would find somebody I could have that same thing with. I will never have that same thing again. That is the thing with great love stories – you can’t repeat them or mimic them. They are unique and special and wonderful and marvelous things that change and transform you. They will always hold a special place in my heart and I will always be forever grateful for the intimate moments shared and for the lessons learned, about myself, about life, about love.
I signed up for online dating, because others thought I should, thought it was the best way to “find a man.” You know what – I don’t need to find a man, I know plenty of men and 99.9% of them I wouldn’t want to date. Not because there is anything innately wrong with them, but because I don’t want to give away a piece of my anonymity, I don’t want the typical trappings that come with being in a relationship. Sure, it would be great to have someone to be affectionate with, to make love to, to spend all night talking to – and if only the good things came I would be perfectly fine with that. But really, honestly, I have no desire to put forth the effort it seems to take to date or start a new relationship. I don’t want to rearrange my life to pencil someone else in. I went on a date with someone I met online, have another one scheduled and a few more people who have asked and already I’m like, why? I know, intuitively, that they are not people I am going to fall in love with. People say, Give it a chance – it takes time. But, for me, it doesn’t.
The only thing love has ever had in common for me is that with every great love I’ve ever had I KNEW the moment I looked at them that I was going to fall and fall hard. So, maybe I’m not the type who is always paired up with somebody. Maybe I’m the type who only falls in love a handful of times in my life and spends lots of years single, that’s fine. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, just to have a date to take to a political event or somebody to gush about on Facebook. I don’t want to waste time with somebody who I am second guessing all the time if we’re right, if I should date them because of xyz. And I certainly cringe at phrases like “he/she won’t let me” or “I have to ask my S.O. if its ok.” My independence is precious, and I know it takes a rare man who will not try to rip that from me. So…if I am totally turned off by almost every relationship I see, why am I wasting my time and energy? I should just be enjoying life – and if I bump into my next great love along the way, I’ll know it and I’ll make sure to savor every moment of it!