What do I Want Now?

What I wanted with him I no longer want,
dreams that we shared
I do not wish to share with another.
I have moved on, I have stopped longing every day
for what we could have had that didn’t come to fruition
Now, however, I’m left with this void.
Dreams I had cannot simply be reimagined with someone new,
what I wanted with him, I wanted ONLY with him
now those dreams have died and been put to rest –
what do I want now?

I am not sure.
My whole life I envisioned myself as a wife,
a mother; having, creating, raising a huge family.
I realized a portion of that dream;
I have two amazing daughters,
yet quickly they are growing up,
they will leave and start working on their own dreams soon.
I never did give them the big house
filled with laughter and family and friends,
an amazing step-dad and slobbering dog –
I gave them as much stability as I could and all the love a mother has.

Once they move, where we live will no longer be their home,
it will no longer be my home, our apartments never completely felt like a home to me anyways,
and I will have to figure out how I define myself now,
where I can feel like me again, how to do so outside of anyone else.
Where will I lay my head when my kids are gone?
Will I abandon all concept of home and turn into a gypsy?
What will my dreams be when my children move on,
When my dreams no longer involve how I raise them?

If I met a person I liked,
what would I want from them if not to be their wife?
I’m learning to let go of the long held dreams in my head,
to stop imagining a wedding, a marriage
or joy that is dependent on meeting another.
What about when I’m no longer a day-to-day mother
then what will I do with my life?

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