I Wish I Could Stop Wishing

You are still etched into the very fabric of who I am
I still smell you when I breathe in deeply,
still ache for your touch when I lie restless at night
Being in your presence is still my safe place,
your voice, your hugs, forever will be my solace.

Memories of our time together continue to bring me smiles, comfort, tears
Tears that it all washed away,
tears that your love for me has paled so much with time,
tears welling up, flowing when I don’t mean them to
When I think I’m finally strong enough to choke them back.
Tears that you and I are growing into who we are apart, not together
Sadness envelopes me knowing that the woman I am today
and the man you are today – are not lovers, are not knowers of each other
we are not what we once were – in some ways, we’ve become strangers.

Regret, so much regret it almost overwhelms at times
all the moments with each other lost,
all the kisses, touches, conversations, intimacies shared with others
decisions, moments, choices, all the things that can’t be undone.

I smile when I see or text you, speak to or think of you.
I am grateful you didn’t vanish without a trace,
yet I wish I didn’t always wish it were different.
I wish I could fully exhale, fully let go,
I wish I could be content in this new, distant, just friends version of us
I wish I could be completely satisfied with this path we’re on
and not still wish so much that we’d taken another.
I wish I didn’t long for more inclusion in your life, your daily thoughts,
and oh how I wish – that every memory I have and cherish,
would be enough to quench my wanting for a million more.

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