Why Do I Torment Myself?

I’ve tried so hard for so long to keep my emotions in check,
to not fall for you,
to just go with the flow with no expectations,
keep my heart from becoming a wreck.
Tried to be that girl who can kiss you and have it mean nothing,
who can remain detached,
can pour her heart out to you,
while still keeping her heart protected.

Who was I kidding???
I’m not that girl,
can’t have someone like you in my life,
and keep you at arm’s length,
can’t share what I share with you,
without sharing a piece of my heart.

When I go out on dates,
none of them measure up to you,
when I lay in bed and fantasize
it’s your image running through my mind,
when I see you, kiss you, touch you,
it takes an enormous amount of restraint NOT to say, I Love You.

I know you don’t want all of me,
I know you care, but not in the same way,
I know when you imagine your future, I’m not standing by your side,
I know that I’m not the kind of girl you see a future with, even if you were ready for a relationship right now.

So, why do I torment myself?

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