From Jenny to Jennifer to ….

When people speak of evolution,
they often talk of millions of years, species now extinct,
grand transformations across a millennia or more.
But I am in awe of evolution in shorter spans,
the evolution that can occur in one individual human being
how we can change so drastically, how our view of the world evolves.
Maybe I should replace evolution with maturity?
But, I don’t always feel completely mature,
yet the girl of my youth and even young adulthood
compared to the woman of today – it’s difficult to reconcile,
to dig deep and see traces of 13-year-old Jenny in 33-year-old Jennifer.
Yet, just like our tailbone which no longer serves its original purpose,
there are small fragments left; fears, protection mechanisms
things Jenny built that Jennifer hasn’t been able to completely evolve past.
Trying to recreate the thought patterns of my younger self
leaves me confused and dumbfounded at times –
how did the brain that is currently residing inside my head ever have those thoughts?
How did I ever desire or want that, what led me to choices I now know are so foolish?
Parts of me I think have evolved beyond recognition,
there are things I thought and said and did that I can laugh at now,
there are wants and dreams though that I have mostly let go of,
but that I still feel a little nostalgic about.
Even who I was when I last fell in love has evolved,
my natural tendency to fall fast and hard has been scaled back a little,
my ability to trust completely and let go has been damaged,
but also – my expectations have evolved, my thoughts on god, marriage, family
wanting to get married more than anything on the planet,
unable to take the disappointment of things not progressing the way they “should.”
Evolution on this micro scale impacts us all more directly
it is strange to look at a younger version of yourself and hardly recognize her,
so many experiences, lessons, friendships, relationships, hurts, losses, struggles,
triumphs, successes – all molding, shaping, evolving our thought processes.
I wonder if my 50-year-old self will recognize her 33-year-old self?
Or will she read these blog posts and ask – who WAS that????

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