Blogging, thinking, feeling….

Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. I have been racking my brain about this whole My Life in Parts thing. A concept that is cool, therapeutic even, but that when I REALLY think about it kind of freaks me out! Do I REALLY want everyone on my Facebook page to be able to go to my blog and read all of my deepest darkest secrets, all of the traumatic events that have occurred in my life? Do I want potential employers, coworkers, professional contacts to read about every horrible decision I ever made or every bad thing that ever occurred in my life? Not so much. So, sorry to disappoint, I am continuing to write my life story but I will likely either be posting it with limited access (only those who I say can see it can see it), or posting it on a new blog that I keep 100% anonymous! I haven’t decided yet.

On another topic, I have been trying so hard to keep myself busy lately so that I don’t have to think about my life – which is probably part of why I haven’t been blogging as well. Sometimes, I just don’t want to THINK or FEEL, sometimes I just want to go about my daily business. I know, that doesn’t help my personal growth and all of that jazz, but really, do I HAVE to grow every day?! Yet, this morning, a conversation about men who don’t pay child support turned into a discussion that jolted me into thinking again and admitting some things about myself; I am not single because there are no good men out there. I am single in part because I am still hurt. I still don’t trust. And have built walls up around me that are sky-high! I probably have met decent guys, but I have instantly found flaws in them. If I only like guys who I know I can’t have a relationship with or find something wrong with every other guy I meet, then I can’t get hurt again. I know my own truths. I know that I love soooo deeply and completely and give SO much of myself when I am with someone, I know the idea of EVER doing that again is TERRIFYING. Its terrifying in part because I don’t trust my own instincts anymore. “what if I open myself up again, become vulnerable again, give all of myself again – for someone who doesn’t reciprocate, again?!” I also know that I want to love and be loved again someday, I WANT to have a partner and share life’s experiences with someone. What I don’t know is how to get over that fear and open myself up enough to allow it to happen?!

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