Looking for old poetry of mine and found these random ramblings about love and why I jump and others are slow and all that that means….
There is a difference between encouraging and supporting someone in growth,
and trying to get them to change to be the person YOU think they should be.
What is the point of being with someone, if their love feels so conditional?
If they’re only with you because you’ve been molded into the person they want you to be?
Its not about becoming someone the person you want will want,
its about finding that person who wants you just the way you are, at this very moment,
and who brings out the best in you, whose presence makes you want to do better,
who wants to move forward in the same direction as you.
I used to wonder if I should change this or change that as had been said by a past lover,
but if I can’t be all the contradictory things that make me me, if I have to alter who I am,
if I have to pretend to not want the things I want, if I can’t be comfortable around him –
then he’s not falling in love with ME – and what’s the point in that?
I have never gotten this thing called timing,
or the statement “I love you , but….”
or “I really want to be with you, I just can’t.”
Maybe because, if I’m not at a place where I can give love,
then I just don’t.
If I fall in love, it means I’m ready
for ALL that love may lead to.
Maybe it’s the passion within me that just bubbles over
and people without that underlying passion
don’t get the rush, why can’t we just take things slooooooow? they ask
Slow just doesn’t work for me,
if I don’t talk to him that much, don’t see him that much
if something doesn’t start building quickly –
I lose interest because I don’t feel connected.
Maybe because I’m an emotion driven woman
I need to just KNOW its right, right away,
and then if it is I just want to grab a hold of it
nurture it as much as possible, I want to bath in it!
I see reasons, no matter how legitimate they seem to someone,
as excuses, which makes us both mad. If I love someone – I’m in 100%:
all my love, all my trust, my energy, my loyalty.
I’ve met guys who are the same way,
I know they are because I’ve seen them give
all of themselves, to their wife,
I just need to find one who hasn’t jumped yet,
but won’t hesitate to when its right.
I am worth so much more…
so much more than waiting for others to be ready,
so much more than inconsideration for my time and my feelings,
so much more than broken commitments and an endless string of excuses.
I am worth more than I’ve been giving myself credit for
more than forbidden flirtations,
more than secret and hidden love affairs,
more than relations that are purely physical – no strings attached.
I am worth more than kisses that mean nothing
more than touches that aren’t nurturing
more than intimacies with men who are nearly strangers
more than sharing bodies but not feelings.