A Love Unreciprocated

I don’t know what it is about you
can go years and years and years without seeing you,
without hearing you speak to me
yet when I do I’m instantly excited by the tone of your voice
while at the same time, calm in your presence.
I can be so angry at you and swear that I’ll never let you in again,
yet the next time that I see you,
as soon as I see your face I just want to hold you and kiss you,
want to let you know everything that’s happened in my life
and want you to let me into your world.
What is it about you that makes me feel 16 no matter how old I am,
why could I not give a million perfectly good men a second look,
but the second you’re in my life again I want you there forever?

I wasn’t sure I would this time,
there has been so much heartbreak since the last time we met
so many expectations and hopes and dreams that have failed,
I thought for sure my walls would be up and impenetrable
wondered if you’d even be the kind of man I’d want
or be able to talk to and connect with,
was afraid maybe we’d be too different, that I’d be disappointed,
that what I once had seen in you would be completely gone.
But that was not the case at all,
I felt at home in your embrace, felt more connected,
every time you’d speak I found something else I was attracted to,
I learned things about you I didn’t know and left wanting more.

I know I come on quite strong at times
and its probably part of what has scared you away before,
I’m trying so hard not to do that this time – but it isn’t easy,
its who I am, the passion and the intensity,
I know at times it borders on obsessiveness.
I care about you and want to immerse myself in you,
want to scream it from the mountain tops,
want to talk to you on the phone until we both fall asleep.
I don’t want to push you away forever,
but at the same time I need to stay true to me
to who I am and what I want and where I’m at
and to finding someone who can share in that intensity with me,
who can see me and say YES – that’s the woman I want
and then, just JUMP with me without hesitation!

If you are that man I’ll take you to the highest highs
and hold your hand through the lowest lows,
I’ll love you and comfort you and support you and uplift you
I’ll kneel in prayer with you and cry tears of joy and sorrow with you
and practice making babies with you until we’re both completely exhausted,
even if we both decide not to really make another baby.
I’ll push us both to experience as much of this life as humanly possible,
to never settle for mediocre, to be the best us possible,
to be the best man, woman, parents, partners we have the potential to be.
I’ll hold you to the highest standard,
yet be understanding when your humanity shows and you fail
I will love you deeper and more fully and passionately than you knew anyone could.

Yet, if you are not that man, if you are not at that place,
if you do not see me being that woman,
please let me know as soon as you know,
do not let my hopes get up if you know its wrong,
just to string me along
do not use words of maybe, someday, not right now, but…..
let me know if this time is just about being friends
and I will take that kind of love out of the equation,
and will begin the work on building an unbreakable friendship.

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