We Cannot Undo What We Say or Do….

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My biggest and most painful life lesson, which I have been reminded of and thinking on a lot lately.

Before you make any decision take as much time as you need to breathe, to slow down, and to really think about it before verbalizing your decision or acting upon it. Make sure you are making decisions based on who you truly are, what you truly want, uninfluenced by those around you for whom these decisions do not effect and that you are making decisions not based on impulse but making decisions that you can live with today, tomorrow and six months from now. Read the rest of this entry

I Wish I Could Stop Wishing

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You are still etched into the very fabric of who I am
I still smell you when I breathe in deeply,
still ache for your touch when I lie restless at night
Being in your presence is still my safe place,
your voice, your hugs, forever will be my solace.

Memories of our time together continue to bring me smiles, comfort, tears
Tears that it all washed away,
tears that your love for me has paled so much with time,
tears welling up, flowing when I don’t mean them to
When I think I’m finally strong enough to choke them back.
Tears that you and I are growing into who we are apart, not together
Sadness envelopes me knowing that the woman I am today
and the man you are today – are not lovers, are not knowers of each other
we are not what we once were – in some ways, we’ve become strangers.

Regret, so much regret it almost overwhelms at times
all the moments with each other lost,
all the kisses, touches, conversations, intimacies shared with others
decisions, moments, choices, all the things that can’t be undone.

I smile when I see or text you, speak to or think of you.
I am grateful you didn’t vanish without a trace,
yet I wish I didn’t always wish it were different.
I wish I could fully exhale, fully let go,
I wish I could be content in this new, distant, just friends version of us
I wish I could be completely satisfied with this path we’re on
and not still wish so much that we’d taken another.
I wish I didn’t long for more inclusion in your life, your daily thoughts,
and oh how I wish – that every memory I have and cherish,
would be enough to quench my wanting for a million more.

Mediocre

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Reading “Into the Wild,” “Wild” and now “Finding Everett Reus” – I am so inspired by the courage so many have exhibited and often at such young ages. I long for the ability to have adventure, to explore the world – yet I worry that when my time comes it will be too late; I’ll be too fat and out of shape, too old, the world will be too jilted and unfriendly to those with wandering spirits. Will I find myself tethered to civility, to Minnesota, to the hustle and bustle, the mundane, to a new lover who can’t or won’t trek through this amazing world with me? Am I doomed to spend my days working 9 – 5 every day until I lie on my death bed in tears over all of life that I missed?

Will my children blaze braver trails than I – or will they too be sucked in, trapped, by the corporate world, by commercialism, familiarity, comfort, the drabness of life with bills to pay and responsibilities that seem far more important than their dreams? I hope not. I hope they realize the chase is part of life, the journey is so worth living, that to settle, to feel you’ve “made it” by obtaining a degree and a respectable job and settling into a mediocre life that looks like everyone else’s is its own form of dying.

The Story of Lot

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I am trying to understand how in a time of reason, of unprecedented scientific discovery, a time when there is amazing things in the natural world to be in awe of, a time when knowledge is attainable by a greater share of the world’s population – so many can still believe in such bizarre stories and explanations, they can believe in things that are so contradictory to common sense, to scientific fact, to human decency. Yes, I admit, from about the age of 18 – 30 I struggled with trying to believe in “god” but it always came back to the fact that I never believed in all of the other details. I never believed in a virgin birth or that the world was made in 6 literal days or that the earth was only 6,000 years old (and to be fair – most well educated Christians don’t believe in these things either – most believe in evolution and they just bend their beliefs to still fit in with what we now know through science to be true). Read the rest of this entry